How do you communicate when you need affection, reassurance or more of an emotional connection? How do you react when you are struggling with fear of rejection or abandonment or feeling insecure?
That's really something to look at because, perhaps as children, we were taught not to ask for what we need, or if we did, we were somehow punished for wanting more love and reassurance. So many of us learned to act like we are fine without it, or feel embarrassed, weak or selfish for wanting it. That could have taught us to not ask out of fear of rejection or withdrawal of approval. So now, we either expect our partner to be able to read our mind or we act out, by pushing them away, so that they will feel the rejection that we are feeling and hope that they will try to make us feel better. This can lead to greater feelings of rejection when our partner doesn't respond the way that we want them to. So what could we do instead?
We have to learn to be brave enough to ask for what we want in a kind and loving way and communicate how we really feel. Saying to your partner "could you hold me right now?" is far more effective than ignoring your partner because they didn't know that you wanted them to hold you. Or saying "I miss you and would love to spend more time with you so that we can connect," is better than saying "you never want to spend time with me, you don't really care about me."
One approach is fear based and one is love based, one is positive reinforcement and rewards your partner for loving you and the other way punishes them for being with you. If you want love, you have to CHOOSE love over fear. Focus on creating the outcome that you want, not what you are afraid of happening. If you want love, you can't react with fear or run from it or push away the person who is trying to love you. -Joel Clemons • Relationship Coach @the.gentleman.wolf
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