Day 891. A lil' #flashback . There's a fine line between coming to grips with your own shit, and accidentally treating yourself like shit. At some point, in an effort to move forward, you've got to forgive yourself. .
Ok. So, I wasn't always that bad. At times, I was actually kinda good. .
When I came face to face with my addiction and the end of my marriage, I was met with overwhelming embarrassment and shame. I mean, afterall, all the external world witnessed was a selfish alcoholic husband and father haphazardly shipwreck his life. As a result, I felt like a complete failure. Every last good deed was undone, destroyed and trumped by a definitive hurricane of destruction: my relationship with alcohol, behaviour and resulting turmoil.
So, I did the only thing I knew how to: beat myself up, throttle my spirit and adopt the role of the villian. Every ounce of pain, and prickle of shame was absorbed deservedly. Or was it?
Throughout my recovery, I've been approached by many forgiving faces from the past: the onlookers, the external world, supporters, friends and family. They've helped me understand that although my life in active addiction was unmanageable, I wasn't, in fact, entirely the horrible person that I believed myself to be.
I catch glimpses from my camera roll. Here I am in 2008, albeit a little disheveled, sharing a happy, sober moment with my baby boy. In appearance, I've seen better days. But, there's no ominous, dark cloud looming above our heads. The grim Reaper isn't photobombing, poised and ready to stick a boney, wet finger into my ear. Truth is, there's no monster depicted here, just a man, unhappily married, doing his best to muddle through life with the weight of a giant monkey on his back. .
I take responsibility. I made bad choices. I made mistakes. I paid for them dearly. I lost nearly everything. But, somewhere in there, I learned that regardless of who I was, or what I did, deep down, I was a good person inside and I too deserved to be happy.
To get your shit together, you don't have to treat yourself like shit. .
#peteonrepeat #recovery #sober #sobriety #forgive #forget #forgiveness #father #son #freedom #iamthestorm #WEARETHESTORM - 47 minutes ago